79 Days. Ups and Downs. Kind of white knuckling it. Not necessarily thinking about a drink, but wishing I could … in some way … just not be so emotionally raw.
I need to take a step back and just focus on being sober. I think I’ve been putting too much background pressure on myself to Get Perfect Quick. I can tell because I really can’t handle very much without getting super triggered. And then I realize I haven’t even been sober for 3 months. I need to relax. Maybe I should even drink less coffee.
I’ve talked a lot about letting things go in 2015, but it really hit me like a ton of bricks today…do I even know what that means? Because I walk around like a ginormous stress bucket most of the time. Worrying about things that really just don’t matter. I feel crazy, actually crazy. And I’m sure it has everything to do with the fact that I’m not anesthetizing myself. My brain is defogging at hyperspace speed and to be honest…I’m having issues adjusting to this brand new, sharply focused world I’m living in.
There are definitely good sides to this, but yes, I feel crackling raw lately. I haven’t been able to figure out *what’s wrong with me*, but I must admit that I don’t know how to handle pressure. Not that I don’t know how to handle pressure very well, even. I don’t know how to handle ANY pressure right now.
My husband got some bad news day before yesterday. And instead of being an emotional support for him, I got triggered and made it all about me. My issues came flying out of their nasty little nooks and crannies. I ended up watching my behavior, as though I was having an out of body experience, and literally not believing what I was witnessing. I even indulged in my old stand-by: gathering up my shit and walking out. Nice. I haven’t done that in about 3 years.
The difference this time is that when I was driving away, I wasn’t sobbing hysterically, I wasn’t drunk, and I wasn’t driving around aimlessly wondering where I could get even more drunk. So the driving around (in the rain I might add) actually calmed me down and cleared my head. And guess what I discovered? The fight I had just had with my husband was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT my fault. Completely and totally. I replayed my behavior like a recording, and realized, with some horror, that I needed to apologize. Even more horrible was realizing how unfamiliar the act of apologizing actually is to me. How reticent I was to go home and do it. Not being drunk in that situation? Worth my weight in gold. Because I DID actually go home and apologize. My husband was (very understandably) hurt by the fact that I had blown up and left, especially considering what a bad day he was already having. He (also understandably) really didn’t want to talk to me. I apologized anyway. And in my apology, I told him that I completely understood if he didn’t feel like talking to me for awhile. And I just let him go through the rest of his feelings that evening and we didn’t talk. THAT was different too. Being okay with that. Understanding.
It’s funny. When I was rehearsing that apology in my head on the way home, it sounded so heartfelt and lovely. In reality I sounded awkwardly wooden. When did I become this person? When did I become my mother? Incapable of admitting when I’m wrong…
Needless to say I need a lot more practice. At least I hope I’m heading in the right direction.
* * * * *
The last couple of days in general have just not gone my way. I know I need to make a spiritual shift…so that I can transcend my own petty needs and problems, and focus on more important things, like selfless service, loving my family, bringing my best to the table every day, especially at home.
All these thoughts…racing. So many thoughts are running around in my head. I know I need more sobriety, just more time away from that last drink…and that I need to protect my sobriety above everything else. For me, I think for at least this weekend, that means taking my foot off the gas a bit, and focusing on other people instead of myself.
The End o the Road 
Sounds like you are really coming to live life on life’s terms and owning your responsibility in the conflict. Congratulations! As you note this is something new. I am always amazed at how much I can take a situation, and make it all about me. I greatly enjoy that in sobriety i can be aware of that behavior and act to change it.
thanks so much for sharing.
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🙂 Another beautiful post on real life after drinking. Wow!
I DO think…. that it is time for some self time. Massage maybe? You are doing so great with not drinking and doing the sober work and learning from things that go wrong – that is all you can do, it is not easy and it deserves a nice sober treat. Thinking getting a babysitter and going to the sauna, film or out to dinner with the hubby? 🙂 Some musical inspiration at this hour. 🙂 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkje4FiH9Qc
Another consideration concerning addiction: when I quit smoking the first time I felt like killing people if they smiled or walked ‘the wrong way’. From Allan Carr I learned that the addict within tends to drive us into a state where we ourselves and our family start to think thinks like: ‘Jeeeez, I liked him/her better when he/she smoked!’ You might want to check out if there was a part of the addict within throwing a tantrum – call it a security check. I have been thinking, in my life, when the behaviour now, or in the future will lead to drinking, it is possibly initiated by the addict within. This includes not taking rest in the time that you need it, includes talking yourself down about setting bounderies and saying things like ‘you are such a sissy if you can’t do this.’
Being low on blood sugar, being dehydrated or PMS get me into these ‘all or nothing, my way or the highway’ states of being (even without the stress!). So I actually think you are doing very well. I know for sure that I would have an amazingly difficult time dealing with family and work and sobriety in one. It always amazes me how people here do that.
Last thing on the Friday night: if it makes you feel bad that your apology was not up to your standards, you might want to go back and redo it? I have been learning lately that remorse is a good thing because it tells us that there is something that needs mending. It’s another ‘feeling’ :-). I’ld say that is the way in order to give peace AND to get it. We fuck up, we learn.
And some more musical inspiration, not so much all of the text but the idea. Hope you like it. 🙂 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqvXquqTwoU
Love and hugs, Feeling
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Getting to know yourself can be difficult but also exciting like the roller coaster you feel like you’re riding. Hang on- the ride slows down.
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Ginormous stress bucket. Yeah, me too. Glad to know I’m not the only one not walking around in a world of butterflies and puppies. Not that I want you to be having a hard time. It’s just good to know I might not be doomed, after all.
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No you’re not doomed…just entering a new world. One that we have to learn to equip ourselves for, I s’pose. ❤
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