20/20

I’ve been taking long, aerobic walks at lunch which means I’m definitely onto something. Last night I slept profoundly for a full 8 hours and had one of the best dreams of my life…that I saw Tina Fey, and we sat down and had a wonderfully deep, long and satisfying girl talk. Toward the end of that conversation, my very dashing and gallant scene partner from grad school (who’s still an actor, with several awards under his belt…) came up to me, took my hand and then we proceeded to have a wonderfully deep, long and satisfying catch-up. I woke up with my 3 year old climbing into bed for a cuddle. After the sunrise. Bonus.

I saw my doctor last week and was a bit horrified to see the reality on the scale. The good news is that I’m doing something about it. I want to avoid all of the guilt and shame that surrounds my feelings about myself regarding my weight. Walking is good.

I have a big project on this year at work, and I’m finding myself a bit out of my depths. This project gives my whole unit exposure to the company (world-wide), and I’ll become responsible for what could potentially be a tidal wave of feedback and request for support. I’m in the crux of it at the moment, as I’ve been working on this for over a year and am about to launch the pilot. Good Lord willin’ and the crick don’t rise, I’ll roll it out company-wide this summer.

So. I’ve had several difficult meetings with key players around this project recently, which I’ve handled very well. I have a tendency to become defensive and emotional when I feel scrutinized, and when I need to defend myself. I’m proud of the way I’ve managed to keep myself out of the equation for the most part…but then on Monday I allowed some cracks to show in the veneer. All week I’ve been struggling over a professional relationship that I’ve strained because of my emotional issues. It wasn’t horrific, but it was significant. I’m going to have to let the storm blow over and then approach her (as an adult, not a child) and admit that I made a mistake. None of this is easy for me, but I can at least say that I’m growing. I wouldn’t have been able to do any of this a year ago, before I quit drinking huge amounts of alcohol every day. It would have been a huge disaster.

I like being stretched, and tackling something that I don’t really know yet how to fully do. What’s different about this project is that I am (finally!) allowing myself to let go of some of the details and ask lots and lots of people to help in different ways. I’ve always had a tendency to try to do everything on my own, not trusting that other people would do their piece(s) to my satisfaction. Again, huge progress for me. And I’m trying to allow myself to be proud of this progress, without it becoming an ego thing. 🙂

This weekend we’re driving a couple of hours to Italy, to a sleepy little coastal town. This is something a particular group of expats does every year, on the last weekend in May. We went for the first two years after we arrived in France, and both times I got blind drunk. The first year I stayed out with some people drinking until about 4am, while my husband and daughter (then only 1 1/2) slept in the hotel room. I was so hungover the next day I couldn’t move. It was by far the worst hangover I have ever had. I was completely immobilized and useless for the entire day. The second time we went I made sure my husband got the chance to go out and party with everyone, to be fair. But then at dinner I got so drunk that I stumbled (with my now 2 1/2 year old daughter)  all the way back to the hotel room. My husband did go out and have a good time, and I woke up and was responsible, but I was still hungover, and also a bit shocked that I had gotten that drunk at dinner. It was agonizing just to play in the sea with my little girl. More guilt. More shame.

This year I’m really looking forward to spending time with my children at the sea. It’s so refreshing to have the main focus of this trip be my children. I’m not being cavalier about the temptation to drink, because it could come, but I honestly feel a huge sense of relief that wine and cocktails won’t be anywhere within my viewfinder. I’m hoping my husband, who’s a stay at home father, will get a rare chance to socialize. And I will be drinking juice and fizzy water. And soaking up sea, sun and sand.

Thank you so much for helping me get back on track…for helping me notice all of the wonderful possibilities out there when alcohol just isn’t part of the picture. Speaking of, I’ll take some pictures this weekend. ❤

Love & light…D