Capacity

With 33 days of continuous sobriety, life has become richer, deeper, more meaningful. I’m being challenged spiritually, mostly at work. Looking at the positive side of that, I’m growing. I’m happy that I now have the mental capacity to move beyond my initial reactions (which have a tendency to be negative), into further investigation and a more mature, peaceful and compassionate response.

In my personal life, I got embroiled on Facebook in the most recent debate over police brutality and race relations. I reacted strongly to a news story about what happened in McKinney, before a lot of the information was clear. It’s still unclear, but how that all unfolded for me personally is important. I reacted. Then I received a lot of other reactions, from both sides of the opinion fence. Then over the course of 3 days I tried to look at everything more objectively, while continuing to consult my heart. Yesterday I posted something new, and thanked everyone who joined in that conversation with me for helping me to come to a more balanced viewpoint. The past 3-4 days have been uncomfortable, unsettling, and to be honest…sad. I’ve felt sad.

Why is this important to me? Because I can see so clearly, from this and from other pieces of evidence around me, that what sobriety offers me is more capacity.

Capacity to love, to accept, to see beyond the moment, to listen, to be willing to admit my own shortcomings, to retract a statement based on new information, to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before I judge their actions. To wait, breathe and wait some more before I react.

At work this is also proving useful, as I’ve felt very unsupported by my management in my big project. I have been able to climb out of this “poor me” attitude and see that they have their own projects. Their lack of response speaks more about their trust in me than it does about them “not caring about what I’m doing.” Whereas a year ago I might have reacted, scheduled a meeting with them, whined and probably even cried…this time I’ve had the mental and emotional capacity to try to see it from their vantage point. And now the conversation about what I need from them in terms of support can come from an adult instead of a child. From a grounded, centered place.

At home things have been so beautiful. My husband and I are intimately connected, I’m enjoying, absorbing, breathing in every beautiful moment with my children, treasuring my time. And I’m starting to be able to catch myself in various moments when I feel tension, and then tell myself…breathe, let it go…there’s nothing to be stressed about in this moment…all is well.

Which it is.

What a gift this is…this and the gift of knowing that there is only one thing that can take it all away, and send me back to the starting point.

Love and light,

❤