Hello lovelies,
I’m here, and I’m sober and I’m writing my second post because the first one wasn’t honest enough. 🙂
I’m going to keep it short because I need to get some work done.
I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed emotionally because I’m doing a regime (sounds so much better in French) and I’m having a hard time focusing. We’ll see about this one. I won’t jeopardize my sobriety to lose weight. Not yet. And yes I know, I should wait to start losing weight! Be more solid in my decision not to drink. But being so overweight is really depressing me. Literally depressing me. And it is at the point where it is dangerous to my health – at this point, maybe even more dangerous than drinking? Oh, the honesty, letting you see the madness that runs around inside my Control Tower.
And that’s why I’m writing this post and not posting the first one – to tell you what’s REALLY going on in my mind.
My other post was witty, bright, positive, and much more well-written. I was feeling witty, bright and positive when I started writing it. Then I had an energy crash and the snack I ate hasn’t been able to overcome it. Yet.
So here I am, faced with this quandary. It would be so much easier to post the witty writing. The fun, good, happy stuff. Which is there in my life! It really is! I’m so very grateful to be sober, to have this space. Which is why I’m begging myself to be honest. And to write when I don’t feel like it. And to write an honest post when I don’t want to.
Every time I “slipped” this past year (which makes me see myself sliding on ice, falling on my ass and yelling “whooops!”, over and over, in a GIF, which makes me laugh – OK, OK)… Every single time I drank…I had (for whatever reason) silently drifted away from this world of generous and lovely support. So I’m not doing that. I’m not skipping a post today just because I want to, and because it would be easier.
The honesty is this: I’m getting all up into my head now about the advisability of starting a regime (ha! still the French word, more palatable, pun intended) when I only have 7 booze-free days. Is it all going to come crashing down around me because I feel deprived? Will I decide to drink again, on the spur of an ill-advised momentary lapse of calories?
God, I hope not.
Focusing on losing weight, right up until I was about to press Publish, has kept me focused, in a very good way, on my health. I’ve felt really great about making some better decisions about my health and longevity. But perhaps it truly IS a bit too much. In spite of my efforts to affirm that I am choosing health, maybe underneath it all is a sinister version of me, with a snarl in her eyes and a whip in her hand?
God, I hope not.
I think I’ll eat a more substantial meal tonight and start over again in the morning.
One thing I do know…I am not going to drink. Not today. No matter what. No matter what. Not today.
Love…D
The End o the Road 
Dear, dear D,
Congrats on your day 7? I am happy for you! 🙂
When thinking about the diet you might want to look into if / or if not you are setting yourself up for failure. Or… which could be possible too: projecting a goal just a little beyond not drinking (e.g. ‘becoming more healthy’) so that the not drinking is just a part of your life to be continued’. Setting a goal just a little beyond what you want is like they do with boxing: don’t hit somebody on the skin, imagine smashing somebodies guts and breaking some bones (in the other) That’s how it’s more effective. 😀
I set my goal on becoming clear. Which is why sugar, eventhough I eat it, is an issue because it is addictive (so she said while eating 70g of dark chocolate) and it fogs my mind. Getting rid of addictive behaviour is important for me too because that damages my open and clear relations with others. Eh, what did I want to say? Yes, the last weeks the addict in me woke up trying to sabotage my 1 year anniversary (don’t worry, I’m not on the verge of drinking :-)) and what keeps my mind alligned is the thought: but I am not clear, if I drink I will not become clear. So, about fitting not drinking in a bigger goal of learning to take care, of living healthy, of ….? You name it. 🙂
Have a good day 8!
xx, Feeling
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you know….
i like the honesty, and the asking.
i have no answers for you but here is what i found for me….
the more substantial meals, the little snacks and the too much sugar that fueled me in early sobriety, were still WAY less calories than I consumed when drinking.
I noticed first the drop in that bloated look and then a few pounds.
When I was more solid in my sobriety I did not diet…but i did attempt to eat healthier, cleaner, if you will.
but until i was comfortable, until i had a community outside of the internet, until i had started the work on myself that had NOTHING to do with what i looked like, my sobriety was not at a level to do any sort of a regime (and, frankly, that sounds even more punishing than diet to me!).
Allow the no-alcohol weight to drop off, and it will. Focus on your sobriety now…that is all you have to do. Period.
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7! Excellent! Have you read the Jason Vale book? As for food, I couldn’t do two things at once. I was exhausted just getting through the not drinking. The food piece has started to happen now, at Day 200+. I did go for walks, which was upping the self-care. Without upping my feeling of deprivation.
Day 7!!!
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😀 No, I have not read this book but you’re inspiring me to do so! I’ve heard his name mentioned several times as someone who really “clicked” in terms of getting sober. SO. Heading over to Amazon…beep beep boop. 😉
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